Heartache and Joy

The past few weeks have been a little rough. I can honestly say that I have struggled more lately with the fact I will never be able to carry a baby than ever before. In my heart I know that the Lord knows why and that it is His will, but the flesh of me still questions WHY? Why can people who have abortions get pregnant, and what about the people who leave their babies in dumpsters? Why?!

Last Monday we had our ladies bible study at Church. The subject was Joy. Mrs. Michelle did a great job. She asked if we knew the difference between Joy and Happiness. Happiness is a emotion, but Joy is attitude of the heart. Joy is something that lasts; happiness is something that is temporary. When happiness fades away, joy remains. Joy brings us peace in the middle of a storm. I remember her asking if we could think of a time that we asked the Lord for something and He gave it to us? Do you remember the Joy that you felt? I immediately went back to the moment I saw Cale for the first time. The thoughts of all we had been through, the good times and the bad, and where it had brought us that day. That was Joy!! A Joy like I had never felt before. Knowing in my heart that this was God's will for us.

She went on to talk about how during tough times you draw closer to the Lord. I remember that as well. I remember praying all the time for Cale. I remember being on the phone with my prayer partner and both of us pouring our heart out to the Lord for this Child. I don't remember a time in my life that I was walking closer with Him. Our God is an Amazing God!

I often think back on the road that lead us to adoption. I remember month after month being disappointed. Then to doctor visit after doctor visit. It often seemed like one discouraging event lead to another and then to another. I remember the feeling of being told I would never get pregnant on my own, and then the feeling I felt when I knew I would never carry a child at all. Those were some of the darkest times in my life. Something noone could make better.

But then I remembered the day at Victory when we were teaching Children's church. We had Josh Bush in our class. That was the day the Lord began working in my heart about adoption. I remember telling mama that I felt like God was leading us to adopt. At that time we didn't know I wouldn't be able to carry a child. I remember her telling me that I didnt need to give up yet. That the Lord had a plan for us. But the feeling I got that day was always on my mind.

We had gotten to the point where we had so much weight on our shoulders with fertility treatments that we couldn't move. It was so stressful on us. Then the day we decided adoption was the path God had for us... the weight was lifted. We had new hope! We had heard how hard adoption was and how it would take years. And how it was an emotional roller coaster. Well let me tell you... with my God, nothing is impossible!! I will not say we didn't shed tears during the process and that there weren't some dark days. But we knew in our hearts that this is where God wanted us. Looking back I see the stepping stones God put in place to get us where we are today. Sometimes in my mind when something happens, I think to myself.... Is this a stepping stone to get us closer to our next child? I am so thankful that even though we cant see things right away... that the Lord sees it for us! He sees our future and He holds it in the palm of His hand! What a JOYFUL feeling that is!!

Adopting Cale is the most rewarding thing we have ever experienced. The fact that God chose him for us! I am not sure why God put it on my heart for me to write this. It could just be the fact that I needed to get it out. I cant talk about it without crying, actually I cant even type it without crying! :) But if you or someone you know is struggling with infertility, encourage them to look into adoption. You never know what you can give a child just by loving them. You never know what you may be saving that child from. You may be the only way that child will learn about our Saviour and what He did for us!!

I am so thankful for my Husband, family, and friends who have loved and accepted Cale. He is truly a blessing and an answered prayer. The Lord showed me true Joy through this experience.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength!

Love, Kimberly